Empathy first, feelings second, needs last
It is important to listen first. Understand first, and make sure the other person feels like they’re understood. Do this by paraphrasing your understanding of what they are feeling and saying. If possible, they should confirm that I got it right or correct me. (Which requires another round of paraphrasing.)
Then, if still necessary, tell the other person how I feel, and state my needs in clear unambiguous terms. If possible, ask them to confirm that they heard and understand me.
Q: “Why go through this? I’m bad at this. This feels weird. Men shouldn’t talk about their feelings!””
A: It’s not some new-age Californian feel-good bullshit :) It’s just a plain practical and effective way to get what I want: connection, peace, productivity, curiosity.
The root of almost all arguments, differences, bad feelings, broken relationships, is simply that the two parties are not feeling heard by the other person, not getting their emotional needs met. If I can do my half of the work and meet the other person’s emotional needs, I almost always get my own needs met in the process.
Previously named: “116.094 Life Lessons - Empathy first, feelings second, needs last”
Source:
Marshall B. Rosenberg
Graph:
- 119.069 Communication - Empathy first, feelings second, needs last to 107.021 Philosophy - Rosenberg - Empathy
- 119.069 Communication - Empathy first, feelings second, needs last to 106.005 About me - My life mission
- 106.007 About me - Life philosophy to 119.069 Communication - Empathy first, feelings second, needs last
- 107.021 Philosophy - Rosenberg - Empathy to 119.069 Communication - Empathy first, feelings second, needs last
- 116 Life Lessons to 119.069 Communication - Empathy first, feelings second, needs last
- 119.019 NVC - The steps of outbound NVC to 119.069 Communication - Empathy first, feelings second, needs last
- 119.020 NVC - The steps of inbound NVC to 119.069 Communication - Empathy first, feelings second, needs last
- 119.029 NVC - Avoid criticizing by separating observation and evaluation to 119.069 Communication - Empathy first, feelings second, needs last
- 119.034 NVC - A vocabulary of feelings words to 119.069 Communication - Empathy first, feelings second, needs last
- 119.036 NVC - I am not responsible for the emotions of other people to 119.069 Communication - Empathy first, feelings second, needs last
- 119.037 NVC - Follow up feelings with a clear request to 119.069 Communication - Empathy first, feelings second, needs last
- 119.043 NVC - Intellectual understanding blocks empathy to 119.069 Communication - Empathy first, feelings second, needs last
- 119.044 NVC - re. Emotional outbursts to 119.069 Communication - Empathy first, feelings second, needs last
- 119.046 NVC - Reflecting back is surprisingly effective at creating connection to 119.069 Communication - Empathy first, feelings second, needs last
- 119.047 NVC - Keep giving empathy to 119.069 Communication - Empathy first, feelings second, needs last
- 119.061 Effective - Effective communication to 119.069 Communication - Empathy first, feelings second, needs last
- 119.066 Communication - Lincoln used stories to communicate and teach to 119.069 Communication - Empathy first, feelings second, needs last
- 119.067 Communication - Lincoln's empathy helped him understand to 119.069 Communication - Empathy first, feelings second, needs last